Portrait of a cancer patient - with bigger fish to fry
May 14, 2009 - Out of breath, thoughts in my mind upon yet another kerfuffled barely-made-it arrival to 2B, the basement of Princess Margaret Hospital, where radiation happens and the white fish in the tank have no eyes.
In my journey of cancer I frequently hear and see that cancer patients have a reputation for being happy, optimistic and cheerful despite what they might be up against. These are people who may be disfigured by signs of the disease and treatment, yet they smile away and speak gently to those around them.
Now I understand the cancer bit, but I don’t know how any of these people can sustain the above-described outward attitude. I certainly have my moments I’m sure, if I were to look at a snapshot of part of a day when I was actively trying to be pleasant; but in truth I’m more likely to be found contemplating frustration because it seems that nothing comes easily for me - It seems that it takes effort that I can’t muster to act the part of happy cancer girl. What am I missing, if there is actually some thread of wisdom to be gained here? I can barely hold back my tears on any given day when anyone inquires how I am doing, let alone smile and be gracious. My best efforts only result in some witty dark sarcasm intended to poke fun at the quandaries of life.
The past couple of weeks have been worse than I could have imagined, and it’s not getting any better. I have no idea if I should be traumatized after the week I’ve had - unmentionable things even for my no-holds-barred blog. I wonder if I am overreacting as I have been told by some that I tend to do. I wonder if my emotions are always back and forth between extremes, and if so, would someone please tell me to get a check up from the neck up?! Why is it that I can’t even talk about the things that bother me in a calm rational manner because every time, my emotions overwhelm me unstoppably to tears? I have been this way my entire life. I recognize that there is no way to avoid having people ask me what’s wrong - the people who care will ask.
I wonder if anyone has had a similar experience to mine. I wonder if I can figure out a way to identify inner emotional tension building and find a benign way to release it prior to having to talk to people? I notice that I’m relieved after the 1st venting of tears following the wrong question being asked of me - what might work just as well? What if I force myself to cry earlier when I’m alone? Can I refocus my energy/attention to prevent feelings of self pity? How does one get out of the self pity trap anyway? I know lots of people who’ve claimed they’ve done this - I need tips, please. I guess I’ve not progressed in this area because I can rationalize a long list of why my circumstances transcend self pity, that my circumstances actually warrant grieving in they way I naturally respond…….. How I fool myself.
i dont have much to answer to this, stace, but i read your note, and while it may sound odd to use the word “glad”, i am glad you feel capable of expressing these thoughts, knowing that we can read it and share in some small way what you are going through. does that make any sense? hope so.
i know im not too good at staying in touch, cuz.
a few curve balls have been flown my way, and with my wonderful management skills, i do what i can to stay afloat (i sink like a rock).
keep writing.
xox
Comment by joel — May 26, 2009 @ 11:37 am
Wowzers. I guess I’m more than a wee bit late, and as such have proven myself worse at staying in touch than that wonderful fellow who wrote above. (Hi bro.)
You know, I too am “glad” you wrote this… sucks that I’m so late in lending my support, but in reading this I see that as cousins we have more in common than I thought… I am familiar with the emotions-too-close-to-the-surface bit, but in my case it was a nice, healthy change from the emotionally disconnected person I was up into my mid-twenties. Took me a while to figure out that it’s ok to have a soft side, and to sob during the sad parts in movies and that kind of thing. It proves I actually have a heart, I’m told; which I guess is a good thing, right? Incidentally, feeling overwhelmed by circumstances by times is ok too. (If that’s not true, then someone should have told me before I tried natural childbirth without painkillers. Nearly twelve years have gone by, and I assure you those nurses remember me still.) But anyway, enough about me, I admire your honesty and no-holes-barred approach… life is too short to be otherwise. In fact, it’s part of what we love about you. So thanks for sticking around(even though the treatment-and-recovery part sucked). This world (in particular our fam) is all the richer for it. :o) Love ya, Cuz.
Comment by Heidi — September 9, 2009 @ 11:30 pm