May 14, 2009 - (30/35)

I wrote an entry for this blog this morning but unfork the net went down and I wasn’t able to save it. It was full of all the good things that have happened to me recently, and all the warm happy feelings I’ve been having, and how much I’ve learned and grown through my experiences.

bwa hah ha ha ha! ok not quite.

I think it was actually about the thing I’m learning that I wasn’t prepped for through research or medical expert advice. They did tell me that the side effects of radiation would show up after about 2 weeks into treatment. What they didn’t tell me (or I didn’t pay attention to) was that the side effects are cumulative, and continue to get worse until about 2 weeks after treatment stops. I’ve been quite nauseous for the past few days now, worse than before. So much for counting down the days; I think I’ll just zone out every chance I get and chant mantras for a month.

This week has rather left me in awe at the sheer continuity of one thing after another firing at me. I’m sure I will weather it; if you know me you know I’m not made of straw - but it’s still chapping my ass (if those of you of more gracious readership will pardon my candor).  My tolerance is low at the onset of the day, but I’m experiencing Murphy’s law to what seems a full extent. I wish it would get to the point of numbness, but somehow and evilly, it’s not. I wish I could stop feeling & caring after a certain point of pain & disbelief, but nay - onward ticks the clock and the marches the calendar with a fresh new round of wtfIdon’tneedthis for every day .. today it was my car. Again. This time the clutch broke on the highway ramp enroute to radiation. (As I write this, I am immediately impassioned to lobby for OHIP to cover limosine service for all out-patients requiring frequent treatment. I then have thoughts of people who must exist that may struggle much harder than I do to get to their appointments due to their circumstances.) So with my usual acknowledgement that ‘It could have been worse’, I tell you that it ruined my day. My day that would have been glorious otherwise, happily going to my happy radiation appointment and happily going home and happily pushing myself to get my happy daily living requirements met so I can happily go back to bed to sleep off the happy headache. Glorious! Stupid clutch. Stupid everything. June 15. That’s the day I’ve picked to focus on. So happy thoughts to gloss over today - The CAA truck showed up in decent time and no one got hurt in the awkward busy place I had to pull over; I didn’t miss my rad appt; Peter’s garage rocked as much as ever and patched up my poor old car & it turned out to be quite a nice catch-up visit despite my incessant twitching due to short-circuiting neural patterns that really must weird everyone out.. Yes I jest.

Maybe.

Who needs to do their taxes or plant soil-starved seedlings in the garden anyway? The world and its order will have to wait yet another day for a spark of energy.